Peta Heskell is known as The Original Flirt Coach and has been on just about every TV and radio show you can imagine. Her expertise is all things relationship and uses flirting as a powerful metaphor for effective communication whether that's with loved ones, friends or in the workplace. If there are relationships in your life that are holding you back (or making you eat) then Peta can help you…and make it fun...
When we like someone and we are interested in them, after we spend time with them we need to process it. Sometimes we talk to our friends and analyse what’s going on. And sometimes we write in a diary. And sometimes we just let it go round and round in our head. And it can get muddled up.
Some things can become more important than they need to be. Keeping a mental file or making a map about what’s going on is to help you clarify things you noticed and your reactions to them as well as your own thoughts.
After an encounter with a new person it can be quite useful to review your impressions and get clear on your feelings I’m going to give you some pointers on the data you might want to collect and we’re going to concentrate on having you gauge this by your feelings not just what’s in your head! Feel free to add in your own avenues of enquiry.
Reviewing the encounter
We all ‘label’ feelings with words like ‘anger’ ‘happiness’ ‘ecstasy’ ‘irritation’ but I want you to uncover the physical sensations that go on in your body that prompt you to apply a particular label.
As you answer the questions ‘How do you know’, remember the answer is NOT in your head. The knowing is in your body. Most people might say something like ‘I just do’ or ‘I feel it’. The answer I want you to find, which will help you get into your body is another question ‘what differences are you noticing in sensations in your body and where are they located and how do they feel’ You might I answer ‘I know I like them because I get this tingly feeling just in my heart area, and it kind of spreads to my arms’.
If on a date, what was your first impression and your leaving one.? If it changed what happened?
- Do you like this person?
- What is it about them that you like
- Can you talk to them?
- How do you know?
- Are you attracted to them?
- How do you know?
- Are there any serious values clashes?
- How do you know? What are they?
- If you were on a date, were you making decisions very early on? What were they based on?
- What do you want to happen next?
- What has to happen for that to happen?
- What might be stopping you?
- What did you learn about yourself?
And be sure when you’re filling in this information to awry of the assumptions you might be making
Assumptions and Judgements
As you think about what they said and how the evening went, you will have formed some thoughts and opinions. And I’m willing to bet that some of these fall into the category of assumption or judgement.
Have you judged them about anything? What evidence did you have? Is it enough to convict them? Do they deserve another chance?
What have you assumed from their words, actions or lack of words or actions?
On what evidence do you base these assumptions?
It might be useful to think ‘innocent until proven guilty’. And if you are worried about something, follow it up, find out more. Sometimes we can be very hasty.
Just check yourself from time to time and recognise what you do. Awareness is half way to curing it.
What did you reveal?
What roles might you have been playing? Were you repeating any of your patterns. How real were you being? Give yourself marks out of 10 with 10 for being totally yourself and 1 where you were putting on a big act.
Was there something you wanted to ask but didn’t?
Did you play any games? Some people pretend they are really interested in something when they’re not? You hate football but you look at them and coo I LOVE football. What happens when they invite you to a game?
If you did hold back on some things, what would you like to reveal next time either to this person or someone else?
You’ve met someone who seems to be a good match and fit so far. You have embarked on the relationship journey. You are on a voyage of discovery not just of someone else, but also of yourself. And you want to make it work. Don’t you.
And no matter how madly in love you are, life keeps on coming at you. And this is when we most need the skills of communicating, creating and maintaining our relation-ships. And you’ll find it even easier to weather the storms and sail through into calmer waters after you’ve read the articles on communicating and relating – putting it into action.