Peta Heskell is known as The Original Flirt Coach and has been on just about every TV and radio show you can imagine. Her expertise is all things relationship and uses flirting as a powerful metaphor for effective communication whether that's with loved ones, friends or in the workplace. If there are relationships in your life that are holding you back (or making you eat) then Peta can help you…and make it fun...
Values
We all have things that are important to us. To a very religious person it might be very important that they marry into their faith. To someone who has been ‘cheated on’ it might be very important to know that their next partner is into monogamy.
I surveyed couples who have been together for over ten years and consider themselves happy. By far the most dominant reason they gave for their happiness was that they had shared values.
If you are a dedicated animal rights activist, it might be very hard to form a relationship with someone who worked in a slaughterhouse.
Some of your values are so important that if the other doesn’t share them it would be hard for you to relate well. And some of them are important, and you are prepared to be flexible and agree to differ.
Mixed values
Sarah and Craig were instantly attracted when their eyes locked across a crowded hotel lobby. They spent a very passionate night fuelled by red wine and lust but it didn’t stop there.
Both of them thought they had found 'that special person'.
When Sarah went to spend a weekend with Craig he wasn’t the wild spontaneous lover that had first enticed her. When Craig had a crisis at work which took up most of his time. Craig felt guilty because he felt he had to be responsible for everyone and when he couldn't he blamed Sarah. It got worse.
One evening Sarah made a move to initiate sex. Craig got annoyed. He felt pressurised because in his world view men initiated and when he wasn't in charge, he started to feel insecure and angry.
When Sarah came to see me she was down about the way the relationship was going. They had made so many plans, it had all seemed so idyllic at first - she was planning to go back and give it a second go. I sensed they had a case of clashing values.
Both of them were so blinded with lust that they hadn't paid attention to what the other had been telling them.
Know what’s valuable to you
Sarah had had a fairly good marriage to her late husband and I suggested she start by listing all the things she liked about him and the way they related. Her first comment was ‘I don’t want someone who has a temper because John had an issue with anger’.
Because it’s more useful to only focus on what works, I asked her ‘If you don’t want a man who’s angry, how would you like him to be’. She said ‘he has to be even tempered and if he does get angry I want him to be able to know it’s happening and not get carried away.
Her list was long so I asked her to pick her top ten. I then got her to focus on each value separately and notice the nature of the physical reactions she was getting. Then I asked her which one really gave her the strongest positive feeling.
Instantly she said ‘He loved my spontaneity” When I asked her how Craig measure up to this? She replied forcefully “NO WAY. He has to plan everything”
As we went through the list Sarah realised that Craig didn’t read books and was really looking for a corporate wife and mother to his young kids. Sarah was a well read intellectual woman who had already done the corporate wife thing and had two grown up daughters. She was in the process of reinventing and unleashing her sexy self on the world. And the last thing she wanted was more kids.
When you take the time to work out what’s important to both of you you’ll find it easier to see through ‘lust blindness’ and decide whether the relationship has possibilities.
Exploration – what are your relationship values?
If you are already in a relationship or want to meet someone who honours your deepest values, you first have to clarify what they are. Have a pen and paper ready and take as much time as you need to sit quietly and jut down everything that comes up for you
When you’ve done the list go through each one and and notice the feelings you get. Decide which of these values HAS to be there to make it worth considering. Next decide on which ones you think are important but not vital. Any that are left are probably those things which would be lovely to share but without which you could still have a pretty decent relationship.
You may have some big picture words like ‘monogamy or ‘commitment’. . Generally big label words are heavily semanticlaly loaded and mean very different things to different people. For you showing commitment might mean marriage and for them that they sleep only with you They may be perfectly happy to be sexually monogamous, but not at all sure about marriage.
Where you notice ‘big picture words’ take some time to analyse exactly what these words mean to you. And if you’re doing it with a partner, make sure you understand what they mean by these words too.