Peta Heskell is known as The Original Flirt Coach and has been on just about every TV and radio show you can imagine. Her expertise is all things relationship and uses flirting as a powerful metaphor for effective communication whether that's with loved ones, friends or in the workplace. If there are relationships in your life that are holding you back (or making you eat) then Peta can help you…and make it fun...
We all have different strategies for doing things. Being aware of someone’s strategies means that you are prepared for how they might react to things and you understand why they react the way they do.
It also means that you can use these strategies to communicate more harmoniously. Meanwhile, here’s some ways people have of behaving that you might notice now that you’re aware of them.
I want or I don’t want
People are motivated to do things for very different reasons. Knowing their motivation strategies can be very useful when you are trying to persuade someone or communicate more effectively. And knowing your own style can be useful.
Be careful of judging one way or another as better. This exploration is to help you understand yourself and someone else more clearly.
Most of us do stuff for one of two motives. We want to get away from something we don’t like. We want to move towards something we do like.
For example a smoker might be motivated to stop smoking because he or she is terrified of dying of a smoking related disease. Or they might be motivated to stop because they want to be able to run fast or live longer.
Here’s some clues to look out for.
I don’t want attitude
- They tell you what they don’t want.
- They are kicked into action by pressure or deadlines
- They will notice the flaws or focus on what might go wrong - his might make them sound negative to some people. it’s just a different way of operating.
- They love having a problem to solve
- They respond well to fear of what might happen if they don’t do something.
I want attitude
- They are motivated by achieving and the thought of success
- They have things they work towards, whether it’s winning an award or building a house or just getting a date
- They may tend to ignore or play down problems.
- They are respond well to temptation
Big Picture v detail
If you gave my friend Mike and I the same book to read we would read it very differently.
I would take the book, skim the contents, and open it. I might look at the front first, or I might just flick through it. And if I find something that interests me, I’ll start to read it. If you asked me what was in a book, I’d probably be able to give you an overall sense. I’d most likely not be aware of many specifics.
He on the other hand would begin at the beginning. He’d probably read the back cover and he’d have his yellow highlighter pen ready. He’d notice very typo and spot linguistic and logical inaccuracies. He’d read the book slowly, moving through it in an orderly fashion. If you asked him what was in the book, chances are he’d be able to describe things in great detail.
I pay attention to the big picture and he pays attention to detail.
Most of us have a tendancy one way or another and of course balance is about being able to see the big picture and be aware of useful details.
This strategy affects how people make decisions. Knowing which preference someone has can be very useful when you want to communicate something important to them or cajole them into doing something that they might enjoy.
What’s your tendency?
Where are they coming from?
When I was younger we used to say to people ‘Where are you coming from’. What we meant was what’s behind the stuff you do. What’s driving you. We all tend from time to time to take different stances on subjects. And sometimes we have set ways of looking at things that aren’t always useful. You can begin to decipher where they are coming from when you pay attention to them.
- That’s how it’s always been
Nick never expected any relationship to go past the 9 month mark because he’d had two short relationships which had both ended after 6 to 8 months. Nick is coming from a ‘’that’s how it’s always been’ position that expects history to repeat itself, e.g. "Whenever I get keen on a girl she always backs off"
- Why change
Louise was perfectly happy in her relationship with Chris. She saw him at the weekend and on Wednesday evenings. Nick suggested that they might want to see each other on different nights sometimes. Chris couldn’t understand. .
Chris is coming from a ‘why change’ position from which she sees things as remaining the same, e.g. "If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it" or “why would you want to go somewhere else on vacation when Florida is so nice.’
- It’s impossible
Olivia wanted to be a dancer. She used to say ‘I’ve got as much chance as becoming a dancer as my cat has learning to eat with a knife and fork’. Olivia is coming from a ‘not possible’ position where her dreams will ‘never come true’ e.g. "What’s the point of asking, they’ll never say yes.
Where are you coming from and how different is it to other people. Check out people you meet and know. Knowing this information will help you understand why people do what they do and to be more flexible in your dealings with them.