Kerry Hales is a peak performance consultant and life coach. We love her dynamic and straight talking style because it let's her get to the point... fast…and we'd all prefer to get change done sooner rather than later! If you're looking for a refreshing way to sort out your problems then you'll enjoy Kerry's articles…
Many of your beliefs, morals and values are learnt. There are many enculturated (learnt) patterns of behaviour that we adopt as our own, the many ‘shoulds’ that we live our lives by. We do not stop to think ‘Is this what I want or is it what I’ve been taught to think is what I want?’ This short article is to assist you in doing just that. Stop your world for 10 minutes and think – who taught me how to think, act, and speak like that?
Now before we get carried away, I am talking about the ‘shoulds’ in our lives that dictate to us how we ‘should’ be living. These ‘shoulds’ come from a space of no curiosity and no choice. What I am suggesting is that if we can stop and see when we think we have no choice about our lives, in fact we do, we just haven’t stopped long enough to look and see.
OK let me give you an example. One day over the festive period a wife is cooking her mother’s favourite recipe of a large ham for Christmas. She is busy preparing the ham when her husband asks what she’s doing.
‘Doing what I always do,’ she replies, ‘cutting off the ends of the ham.’
‘Why do you do that?’ asks the husband. ‘I know you always do it, but I don’t understand why?’
‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s the way my mother always did it.’
Lucky enough that year her mother is staying, so they ask her ‘Mum, why did you cut off the ends of the ham?’
‘Well your nana always did,’ she says, a little confused by the attention.
The husband has the bit between his teeth now and wants to get to real reason and asks if they mind calling nana. When she answers they ask her why she cut off the ends of the ham.
‘Well dear, when we were younger we didn’t have much money, as you know, so we had a very small oven which had to have small pans, so I used to buy the ham and cut off the ends so it would fit…’
The wife had taken on a belief that for perfect ham she needed to do it the way the women in her family had done it for years, when the reality was something completely different. Now she has a choice, she can continue cutting of the ends of the ham, because she wants to carry on the tradition anyway, or stop and have a larger ham for the festive season. She now has a choice.
This is a wonderful story which shows perfectly how we can live by others’ limitations and boundaries without ever questioning them. It’s not to make them wrong for it, just to make our decisions right for us. What have you learnt from your parents, siblings, schooling, religion, peers, friends that you haven’t questioned?
Start in one area where you feel that you are not 100% driving your life and gradually review all areas that you feel may need some attention. The only rule I insist upon is make yourself right for what you have now. Choice can only happen when you are clear about the different options. Once you know, you can then start making choices.
Till next time, have fun
Kerry, your Curious Coach